The problem of doubt.

I definitely have not been blind to the fact that my faith in this season has been severely lacking. I've told countless friends and family members of my inability to see God in our current situation. I've been prayed over more in this season than in any other time in my life. Not that I was unable to see our blessings in this time, but that I was unable to walk into the midst of what is/was an extremely hazy situation and see any real path.

Clearly I felt that we were entitled to more than the answers we received. I believed that Chris' hard work would be enough to merit some real answers. I was so tired of praying about this. I was so tired of being the only newly married couple struggling to feel like we are on the right paths (career wise.) I was so tired of not having the financial resources to move forward with what we finally felt called to. 

I painfully realized that it's a good thing we didn't have the financial resources to move forward on our own. Because that would mean me taking matters into my own hands and trusting again in earthly merit. Is that the lesson You were trying to teach me? Not to mention, the older I've gotten the worse I've been at accepting gifts. Not that I try to refuse, I guess, but that I carry around shame and guilt when presented with an offering of some kind. (Is it also a funny coincidence that LAST on my list of love languages is gifts? I guess you can't hug your way into paying for a second degree, huh.)

In receiving gifts, I mostly just feel that I am undeserving of it, and then at a deeper level that I really just feel like I'll never be able to return the same kind of favor...that I am forever indebted. That's pretty twisted. I remember feeling this way during much of my teenage years, after making some of the worst decisions of my life. My parents unfailing love over me consistently made me feel unworthy and made me feel more like the awful person I thought I was. My brother and I had countless conversations about how our parents love us way too much, and we'll never be able to return it the same way. Did they want us to feel this way? No, of course not. That was us giving into lies.

This all carries over to the first couple years of my relationship with Chris, and feeling that I am forever indebted to God and undeserving of such a great man. I couldn't accept him as a gift that was given purely out of love for a daughter. Yet His intention was not to enslave me, but to walk with me into freedom and into lavish me, freely, with love.

So here we are, freely lavished again with multiple blessings within just a few hours of one another. And a job offering, and another interview tomorrow. As Chris says to our dear friends last night, why does all of this always have to happen at the very last minute? In my head I was thinking, "because your terrible wife doubts all the time and I'm stringing you along into a lifetime of lessons on faithfulness."

But in my heart I heard, "Because your blessings come from Me. And you are dependent on me alone. Not your family. Not your friends. Not your earthly merit. Just Me."