I am a selfish creature.

We're also fasting from negative speech this week so sorry about the title and for what is about to come out of my head. Anyways. Hopefully I'll make up for my negativity at the end of this post. Maybe. Maybe.

Listen to how selfish this girl right here is.

I'm going to talk solely about the selfishness that occurred from the time frame of 5pm to 5:10pm. Ten minutes. Ten stinkin' minutes.  That should give you an indication of the state of my heart the rest of the day (even if it was just in my head.)

I get in my car to go home. I'm super pumped because Wednesdays are house church night and Chris and I don't get any alone time those nights (but we get awesome bible study time so it's awesome.) Regardless, I was looking forward to a Thursday night with no plans.

I call Chris to tell him I'll be home soon when I remember that Thursday night=band practice night during the weeks Chris drums for church.

I got mad.
For real.

Literally I'm thinking to myself, "Seriously? I just want a stinkin' night with you uninterrupted." (I get those ALL the time by the way so it shouldn't even matter. Me in this moment=throwing a massive freakin' pity party. Party of uno.)

Fast foward about 9 minutes. I'm in the right lane of traffic on the highway and I'm (of course) right behind the catbus. 5oclock Traffic in the right lane comes to a complete stop and I literally say OUT LOUD in my car in the most sassypantsofthecentury voice, "SERIOUSLY!?"

Approximately one minute later I've determined I'm a huge jerk for a couple (million) reasons.

1. I'm grumpy about Chris having band practice when in reality what this means is that I married a man who is excited to use his musical gift to glorify the Lord on Sunday mornings, even when that means night practices and getting up early early to get to church Sunday mornings for extra practice.
2. This also means that I have a hot drummer husband (if you don't remember or didn't know, I literally begged God in my early days to make my husband a drummer. This is not a joke..I have it written in my journal from sometime in the early 2000's.)
3. This ALSO means that I have to force myself to close my eyes on Sundays during worship so that I can focus on worshiping God and NOT focus on how sexy my man looks when he's drumming. True Life. So bad. (Before you tell me I'm a heathen, know that I've taken this up with God and he says I'm allowed to be attracted to my husband..and in turn I just promised Him that I'll just close my eyes so that I can worship Him un-distracted.) (I literally see Kim Lilley laughing at me right now.)
4. I literally got mad at the bus for stopping and causing me to arrive home .6 seconds later than I would have had he not stopped. Keep in mind, the catbus is one of (if not THE) largest free public transportation system in the United States.
5. I looked at the man who got off the bus and then was reminded that he is taking the bus because he doesn't have a car. I realized the hugeness of my jerkosity as I remembered that I was sitting in a nice car that I got COMPLETELY FREE as a gift from my parents. Don't you remember that they should have ACTUALLY handed me the worst-teenage-kid-of-the-universe-award instead?
6. Shootmeinthefoot.
7. I'm supposed to be fasting from negative speech, and let's face it..negative thoughts..because those happen before the negative speech most of the time.

I debated ending this post right now because I really have nothing more to say. In just ten little minutes I can go from being a regular old broken human being to being a regular old broken human being with enough sass and hostile thoughts to make anyone slap their hand to their forehead and shake their head at me for hours.

If my negative-speech-fasting-friends are reading this right now. I apologize for filling your brains with negativity. That's why I can't end the post like this.

Here's how I end it.
Jesus still loves me. I am a new creation with a new heart and a new identity. I am free and I am lavished with an overly abundant and radical love that fills me to overflowing. Bam.

And as a sweet bonus I also have a really rad and hilarious husband who is also a hot drummer and picks me up when I get home and asks me "if my kiss tank is empty" and asks me if I want breakfast for dinner. Um. Hey, awesome gift from the Lord.

10 stinkin' minutes I shoulda been worshiping my good good Father and not worshiping my stinkin' stinkin' self.