Most days.

It's strange how certain days are wildly more difficult than others. I think that while I was pregnant, my expectation of the grieving process was so different than what it actually entails. I thought that the worst day would be the one where the bad thing happens..and that each day onward gets steadily easier. That's totally not the case and of course it's totally make sense, but wishful thinking I guess.

There are just certain things that evoke the most awful feelings and stopping at a red light or walking through a parking lot and noticing any and every car seat in the cars around you...and having to walk through any store with a baby clothes department--having to see all of the toys and blankets and stuffed animals and precious clothes that Ellie will never wear. It's terrible that my desire to get to the gym and work hard is not solely based on getting healthy again but rather that remaining any longer than necessary in my post-partum body is gut-wrenching. It's awful to think about Christmas and the holidays...and even how sending out Christmas cards is not even worth it because she'll be missing from them (this is my apology in advance because I'm not sending them out.) It's hard snuggling with and hugging my husband and doing things together only to realize that it always feels like half of us is missing. It doesn't just go back to the two of us--it's the three of us and one is just missing from this earth. It's difficult dealing with a general lack of not getting to set up a crib and paint her room and other "nesting" things that were never fulfilled.

Anyways. It's all part of this long process and it just is what it is right now.