Infant Loss

One thing that I've come to realize after Ellie is that the "world" of infant loss, if you will, is much larger than I ever imagined. Don't get me wrong--I realize that many many healthy babies are born each day and what happened to us is absolutely not the norm (thank God) but walking through this as opened doors to all sorts of groups and individuals and organizations that are about infant loss awareness and it can be quite frightening to now know of SO many others who have experienced this. It has the ability to sort of shift your perspective regarding what the norm is when all of the sudden you are familiar with loads of other people who have been through the same thing. On the flip side--these groups of people provide so much comfort and's just hard to hold these in tension with one another. I don't want to be fearful of future pregnancies (which is something I'm totally working through) but I also don't want to be ignorant to the fact that babies die and it's one of the most horrible things we have to live with on this earth.

That being said, October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Sort of depressing, am I right? Yes. But I don't want our pain to cause us to overlook the reality that others are totally there right now and we have been given the authority to PRAY and intercede for, well, everyone...and on that day especially for those who have lost their sweet babies. So if you feel led, mark your calendars to pray. I'll note that one thing I've realized is that much of my post-Ellie prayer life revolves around healing and peace and nurturing......all of which are incredibly important. What I want to focus on more is praying against a fear of future pregnancies and praying FOR the health of future babies. Guys, the fear can be crippling. I have had multiple horrific moments of anticipating what it's going to be like to find out I'm pregnant again in the future...what it's going to be like to see a positive pregnancy test and to have to surrender to the "not knowing" if everything is going to be alright in the end.

It is SO not supposed to be that way. Before I was ever pregnant, I used to daydream about all of the fun ways my hubby and I would get to tell our families that we're expecting. I want that back. And I'm sure there are other families who share the same desire to be able to experience joy and hope and laughter again when it comes to getting pregnant again.

So October 15th. Or, rather, ANY day! Let's do this. 

I still haven't been able to find the words to express our gratitude to our community who held us and loved us in a way that was literally not of this world. We are honored by all of the people who embraced Ellie and celebrated her and who still talk about her like she was so special. People who remember us on the 18th of the month and people who spent so much time praying for her (and celebrating her little victories) while she was in the womb. People who cooked for us and overwhelmed us with love. I so deeply recognized that you all were deeply affected by Ellie--that you really really grieve her with doesn't go unnoticed. You guys will never know the selflessness that you displayed. day you will.