Just keep swimming.

This space has been all over the place lately, I realize. That's partially (completely) because that is the state of my brain these days.

We're coming up on Ellie's birthday which is a crazy/devastating/mind blowing/challening thing..and I feel like I'm still finding my voice since everything has happened.

I never want this place to be one where I feel that I can say whatever I want just because of what I've been through. Losing Ellie taught me a lot about entitlement in that I'm entitled to basically nothing in this life except for more Jesus (and NOT because I have earned it) and more Jesus never hurt anybody.

What I do want is for this place to stay honest. There's a balance between honesty and unfiltered, out of control emotions, for sure. I'm not a professional at finding the perfect balance, but I promise to do the best I can while still trying to be an encourager who doesn't claim to have the perfect solution or a neatly packaged offering.

If anything--I'm just a public rambler attempting to word vomit my way towards clarity of mind and growth as a human being, and you guys get to come along and reel me in when it seems I've surely lost it this time OR silently pray for my sanity.


So what are we doing for Ellie's birthday? I have no earthly idea. How do you celebrate(?) a day such as this. From what I can tell about myself (so far) in dealing with tragedy--I don't seem to be one to gravitate towards big, symbolic, super structured ideas for remembering her..although I hear it is helpful for some. I write about it and I cry about it, smell her clothes, and look at her picture, but it's hard to dream up an occasion that's about her but that I don't get to share with her. Her funeral was hard enough to plan--and really we didn't do much..our friends totally carried us through it.

So maybe we'll watch a movie with family. Eat some food? And allow ourselves to feel what we feel, whatever that may be, without the pressure of feeling like we should be feeling something else.

That's basically all I know and considering Ellie is having the time of her life, I don't think we'll be dishonoring her no matter what we do or don't do. I love that little girl.

Can I get a HALLELUJAH AMEN that I am almost out of the first trimester with baby two? I mean, REALLY, people. Really. THAT is a nice gift to receive around Ellie's birthday. Our next appointment is on the 10th--complete with another super terrifying ultrasound. It's going to be awesome. Repeat. It's going to be awesome. Repeat. What? You want to pray for us and our appointment? Well. Psh. Well. YESOFCOURSEDOTHAT.

Much love to ya bad selves.