A big hurdle indeed.

Tuesday is the day. The day that we head to our 20 week anatomy scan for this little baby growing in my belly. (Can you guys believe I'm almost 20 weeks!?) I've been wanting to write about it before hand so that I can look back and see more clearly how we have grown--but to be honest I have nothing ground breaking to say except for that this is a frightening event.

We don't have any reason to worry, thus far, and it seems that this pregnancy has been pretty by-the-book. Technically we could have said the same about Ellie, though, except that we've already had a few ultrasounds this pregnancy and we had only had one with her (at 8 weeks.)

No matter how "normal" this pregnancy has seemed, being confident and hopeful is easier said than done. I'm not so much worried about this baby as I am just fighting flashbacks to a bad ultrasound and subsequent bad news. And more bad news. And more bad news. Most doctor's offices feel the same (with the exception of the lovely birthing center we were able to spend time in while pregnant with Ellie) and I find myself easily slipping back into devastating memories each time I'm surrounded by the ultrasound equipment, the dim lights, and the ultrasound bed. And let's face it, I WOULD be lying if I said I wasn't a tad bit worried about this baby for obvious reasons.

Of our many many ultrasounds with Ellie, only one of them was good--and it was her 8 week when we heard her heartbeat for the first time. We've had 4 ultrasounds with this one (I'm not even a huge fan of multiple ultrasounds in pregnancy as we prefer the most natural route possible, but it seems that after last year we most certainly don't mind more glimpses of this little girl) and each time I feel I could sleep for days afterwards to relieve my mind and body of the roller coaster of emotions and mental back and forths and what-ifs.

I have even had a hard time praying for this little one so far, because there was so much pain associated with praying and interceding for Ellie every hour of every day. I know I sound like such a downer-but....all the while, the only constant and unwavering aspect of this pregnancy has been Jesus. We don't believe we have been "promised" a healthy baby, although we pray that that is the case. We have been promised that He will never leave us or forsake us, and that's what I've been holding on to.

Come Tuesday, I will most likely be singing a different tune--and hopefully God will use this to teach me much much more about trust and faith. For now, I can honestly say that I am dedicated to letting myself feel what I'm feeling. (Of course this isn't the case when I'm being out of control ridiculous. Don't hear that my feelings drive my everything, but sometimes it's important not to force yourself into a place emotionally that you aren't ready for. i.e. I'm not 100% ready to celebrate the impending 'healthy' arrival of this baby.) It's easy to feel guilty that my thoughts (and posts) such as these aren't interlaced with rainbows and warm, cozy feelings--but that very guilt leads to an intense pressure to find the silver lining and only talk about that. I know that in the end these, tough times are often followed by times of intense joy--and this leads to growth. I welcome the teaching and pruning that will come from this!

I don't want this little one's life in the womb to be consumed with all things Ellie related--but this is our story and this is part of hers. In the end, she will be the one who taught me and stretched me (hehe) just as much as Ellie did, except in different yet lovely ways.

There is joy ahead, I am sure.