I've struggled to write because I honestly don't know what to say or what to think most of the time. It is mind blowing how you can be so in love with someone who you know you will never be able to see, hug, and kiss again on this earth. The pain really is overwhelming.

I'm so comforted by the fact that I don't have to be good at this. Nobody should be good at this. Nobody should experience this. Sometimes you just need to be able to text your friends and tell them you're having a horribly shitty day and let them tell you this is, in fact, true and not try to explain away the fact that it's as awful as awful gets.

This time around things have been different-some things easier to cope with and other things not. I've realized that last time I was able to hold onto the hope and the confidence that I would never experience this again and that the doctor's had to be right--that I would have healthy babies from there on out. This time, there is no such promise and no such confidence. That is absolutely devastating to me.

At least this time we will be getting genetic testing done (in process now) and I pray every day that it will tell us something..anything. Even if it's that we definitely can't have biological children..I just want to know. I'm hoping and praying so hard that it doesn't come back inconclusive. You can join me if you'd like.

So, friends, this is where we stand. Missing her, staring at her pictures often, snuggling, and praying (not as often as I should) and wishing desperately that this was not happening again.

Keep praying and we love you all.