Pregnant with a Promise

It's been a rough couple of days. (errr, years?) Between staring at pictures of Elsie, trying to remember what it felt like to hold her little body against mine, and crying and listening to sermons and music, I have found that Heidi Baker is one of the best rough day prescriptions any doctor could possibly order. She does a wonder for the heart and mind, especially on the topic of perseverance, a word I am sick of thinking about but thankful for nonetheless.

I listened to her speak about the promises of God and it's funny because I had heard this exact message by her before Elsie ever happened...and it made sense to me then but it made WAY more sense to me now.

There's this tension that comes with thinking about the promises of God as they relate to life here on earth. On the one hand, we know there are secure and undeniable promises that pertain to the life and death of Jesus and what that accomplished, but there's this whole other side to it that relates to what we experience and what we can expect as believers walking on this earth. I want to be able to expect healing, deliverance, wholeness, and all of the things of heaven while I am here, and we desperately prayed for all of those things over our daughters as Jesus taught us to do. But we know (oh, how we know) that things aren't perfect yet and we live in a broken world.

The tricky part about it all is that as believers, we are absolutely complete and satisfied in the person of Jesus. We are renewed and restored and wearing brand new hearts. But once we become these new creations, we have (or should have) the dreams and desires of our maker breathed into our lungs, hearts, and minds. People usually refer to these dreams and desires as their calling. It's the thing they feel they were made for..the thing that brings them these great feelings of progress and achievement and joy. It doesn't necessarily mean that they would not be able to function if these things didn't come to pass, because our identity is no longer tied to a status, a career, a geographical location, but I would offer that to deny this calling would always feel wrong. Heidi's husband, Rolland, says, "Don't go into the mission field if you can afford not to." I love that. He doesn't mean it in a legalistic way in any sense, but instead points to the truth that the ministry God places on your heart cannot and should not be ignored. Or rather--it should feel so uncomfortable being ignored that it would be impossible to disregard it.

Can you imagine Heidi and her husband anywhere but in Mozambique, taking in children by the thousands? I genuinely believe that call was God-breathed and orchestrated as the fruit and the impact they are having is undeniable. IF it all got taken away, would they fail to live? Certainly not. Because their identities are complete in the person and work of Jesus. But I would imagine it would feel really wrong.

We aren't promised every blessing. We are promised hardship. But we can expect good gifts from God because he's good and not because we deserve them and not because this life is supposed to be perfect and complete.

But that brings me to the promise we've been waiting for. This isn't a promise we have demanded. It is a promise that has been spoken over us more times than we can count. It's the promise that we will raise and care for children while we are here in the land of the living. This is my call. I could have my mom on here, writing about my obsession with marriage and having babies that started at an earlier age than it probably should have. I remember distinctly being in class with people my age, hearing them talk of the careers they wanted, yet still young enough to think all the boys had cooties.....and there I was, knowing confidently and unashamedly that I wanted to be a mom. I also had a mild (mildly serious) obsession with adoption at a very young age that never went away. After meeting Chris and finding out that he, too, wanted multiple children and wanted to adopt...I was absolutely convinced that this dream was not a selfish one. It was God-breathed. It is God-breathed.

I never had a back up plan. I never had another career that I desperately wanted to have. My studies in college pointed me to my job in child protective services which is so closely tied to orphan care and........protecting children. And even still, that job didn't fulfill the desire God placed in me to be a mother. It couldn't come close.

I listened to Heidi Baker's words and my heart fully agreed when she talked about how these dreams and desires and callings can take a while to be birthed. We can be "pregnant with a promise" for a long long time...and it can get quite uncomfortable...even painful.

I have carried two babies to term and been robbed of taking them home with me. To be closer than close two times with this promise of raising children and have it destroyed...oh, the ache is unreal. But it doesn't mean that it will not come to pass. It means that I am uncomfortably pregnant (still) with the very promise I've waited for for many years.

My eyes are never fixed on the promise--but rather on the promiser. But that doesn't take away the discomfort of God-breathed dreams and desires unfulfilled.

So to all of you who have donated to and are praying for this journey that we are on--thank you. Every time I get a fundraiser update I can't help but feel that the promise is that much closer. Each penny, each all marks progress towards a dream that the Lord undeniably placed on our hearts.

So much love,

{If you missed it, our adoption funding page can be found and shared here.}