Why, hello


I'm here!

We're here!

Pax is here! (Sleeping.)

Is it already April?

It seems like just yesterday that we were ringing in the New Year with broken hearts and empty arms but very high hopes for a new new start.

And it has been a new start.

We are in the midst of the very emotionally challenging journey of adoption, and we wanted to let everyone know that we have been pretty close two times to being matched! Although these were "almosts" and we were extremely excited, we have not been crushed by the rollercoaster that is being presented to birth parents.

I have told many people that Ellie and Elsie have created a heart of steel in me. It's not that the pain of losing them has lessened, but rather that any situation that doesn't match that level of intensity is usually pretty manageable. And thank GOODNESS these adoption situations and the let down of not being chosen can not even come close to the pain we've already been through!

We are trying to remain confident that we will at least be matched by the fall, but it's hard to know.

In the mean time, we still need to get closer to our financial goal for adoption, because as we've seen in the past couple of months, when it happens..it's going to happen fast!

We have some other exciting things coming up! I have almost finished writing a book that I started writing after Ellie passed away. I previously thought that the ending was going to have to do with the healthy arrival of baby number two, but clearly the ending of the book has changed drastically. I am writing it first for myself..to get all of the details and thoughts and feelings out of my head and into one cohesive work, and secondly for other families who are struggling with infant loss and/or infertility of any kind.

I don't think I know much outside of what I've experienced..and even in what I've experienced my view is limited to my very personal encounters with it all. Regardless, I'm writing from the heart and hoping that it will help others to know they are not alone and that it's okay to not have it all together and to not have the immediate gratification of a neatly packaged resolution (i.e. what I thought was going to be Elsie.) Redemption has not been realized in our lives on this earth...and that's the beauty of writing from a place of emptiness...so I hope to end it there. And that is ALSO why I haven't been writing here as much.

This coming week, we are going to be seeing Heidi and Roland Baker in the flesh.

No words, just overwhelming feelings of YES.

Then, next weekend we head off to California for the Adoption Conference that we won! We plan to video some of it so that we can share the experience with our friends and family! :)

That being said--many adventures are ahead of us in these upcoming couple of weeks, and we plan to live it up.