Oh, hey!

Sorry, folks! I've been over here..erm....staring at my son.

No, really. That's what I've been doing..

.....along with supporting my hubby as he worked his HINEY off to renovate our new place (work in progress) and moving and yadda yadda.

So alas, we are here in our new home. I am fixing things here and there, painting during naps (ha, Shepherd's naps, that is. Nobody wants to see me paint while sleeping. Bad idea. Real bad), and slowly getting the place to feel like home--which is my favorite part, maybe the only likeable part, about moving for me. I have been posting photos of the renovation over on my instagram (tateylove) with the hashtag #taterenovate if you have missed all of this, but I will take some good qualify "after" pictures once we get more settled.

I'm not sure if Shepherd even realized we moved, but he's doing wonderfully. He weighs in at about 11 pounds, he's officially too big for newborn clothes (insert sobbing and packing of tiny clothes) and he's a solid 0-3 month size..except for his feet. His feet are long. And adorable. He's just now starting to smile and give me a break, people, the joy that comes with those first smiles....it's too much.

The past few months still seem so surreal and so mindblowing. Adoption really is just the greatest gift and I feel so honored every single day that it is officially a part of our story. Getting to be Shepherd's mama is indescribable.

I'm not sure if I posted on here yet about our genetic testing or not, but we meet with the geneticist in a couple of weeks to talk about our genes that appear to be completely normal. It has been incredibly frustrating for me to sort all of this out in my heart as we so hoped we would have some answers. We are faced with the decision to gamble with every pregnancy (an estimated 25% chance each time) or choose to permanently end our journey with biological parenthood via permanent birth control procedures--both options are so crappy, but we are weighing our options and praying that clarity will come. Infant loss and fertility issues come with so many ugly layers..I am finding more and more that I must remember where my worth comes from. And it does NOT come from biological motherhood.

I'm always feeling as though I'm coming to the end of myself over and over again as we turn each corner of this journey...and discovering each time that there is room for strength and room for bravery and room for grace and tears. I have learned more about myself in the past two and a half years than I can describe. I find myself overwhelmed with gratitude for Chris and the man that he is. I honestly couldn't have a better life partner. His heart is so kind and gentle towards me and he simply gets it. We both have seen the most raw, vulnerable, dark places in one another--yet the commitment and bond we share continues to reach deeper. I can't say I'm glad about what we've been through, but I am so in love with him and I am so glad to know the fire has refined us and not burned us. Cheers, my amazing man! It's all up from here! *nervous laughter* Right!? (JK.)

So anyway- these are my random, semi-cohesive thoughts that roll in and out of my brain all day these days. There has been so much on my heart and I'll come back soon to sort through it all, but for now just know that we are here and we are good.

Tates 3/5