Pregnant with a Promise

It's been a rough couple of days. (errr, years?) Between staring at pictures of Elsie, trying to remember what it felt like to hold her little body against mine, and crying and listening to sermons and music, I have found that Heidi Baker is one of the best rough day prescriptions any doctor could possibly order. She does a wonder for the heart and mind, especially on the topic of perseverance, a word I am sick of thinking about but thankful for nonetheless.

I listened to her speak about the promises of God and it's funny because I had heard this exact message by her before Elsie ever happened...and it made sense to me then but it made WAY more sense to me now.

There's this tension that comes with thinking about the promises of God as they relate to life here on earth. On the one hand, we know there are secure and undeniable promises that pertain to the life and death of Jesus and what that accomplished, but there's this whole other side to it that relates to what we experience and what we can expect as believers walking on this earth. I want to be able to expect healing, deliverance, wholeness, and all of the things of heaven while I am here, and we desperately prayed for all of those things over our daughters as Jesus taught us to do. But we know (oh, how we know) that things aren't perfect yet and we live in a broken world.

The tricky part about it all is that as believers, we are absolutely complete and satisfied in the person of Jesus. We are renewed and restored and wearing brand new hearts. But once we become these new creations, we have (or should have) the dreams and desires of our maker breathed into our lungs, hearts, and minds. People usually refer to these dreams and desires as their calling. It's the thing they feel they were made for..the thing that brings them these great feelings of progress and achievement and joy. It doesn't necessarily mean that they would not be able to function if these things didn't come to pass, because our identity is no longer tied to a status, a career, a geographical location, but I would offer that to deny this calling would always feel wrong. Heidi's husband, Rolland, says, "Don't go into the mission field if you can afford not to." I love that. He doesn't mean it in a legalistic way in any sense, but instead points to the truth that the ministry God places on your heart cannot and should not be ignored. Or rather--it should feel so uncomfortable being ignored that it would be impossible to disregard it.

Can you imagine Heidi and her husband anywhere but in Mozambique, taking in children by the thousands? I genuinely believe that call was God-breathed and orchestrated as the fruit and the impact they are having is undeniable. IF it all got taken away, would they fail to live? Certainly not. Because their identities are complete in the person and work of Jesus. But I would imagine it would feel really wrong.

We aren't promised every blessing. We are promised hardship. But we can expect good gifts from God because he's good and not because we deserve them and not because this life is supposed to be perfect and complete.

But that brings me to the promise we've been waiting for. This isn't a promise we have demanded. It is a promise that has been spoken over us more times than we can count. It's the promise that we will raise and care for children while we are here in the land of the living. This is my call. I could have my mom on here, writing about my obsession with marriage and having babies that started at an earlier age than it probably should have. I remember distinctly being in class with people my age, hearing them talk of the careers they wanted, yet still young enough to think all the boys had cooties.....and there I was, knowing confidently and unashamedly that I wanted to be a mom. I also had a mild (mildly serious) obsession with adoption at a very young age that never went away. After meeting Chris and finding out that he, too, wanted multiple children and wanted to adopt...I was absolutely convinced that this dream was not a selfish one. It was God-breathed. It is God-breathed.

I never had a back up plan. I never had another career that I desperately wanted to have. My studies in college pointed me to my job in child protective services which is so closely tied to orphan care and........protecting children. And even still, that job didn't fulfill the desire God placed in me to be a mother. It couldn't come close.

I listened to Heidi Baker's words and my heart fully agreed when she talked about how these dreams and desires and callings can take a while to be birthed. We can be "pregnant with a promise" for a long long time...and it can get quite uncomfortable...even painful.

I have carried two babies to term and been robbed of taking them home with me. To be closer than close two times with this promise of raising children and have it destroyed...oh, the ache is unreal. But it doesn't mean that it will not come to pass. It means that I am uncomfortably pregnant (still) with the very promise I've waited for for many years.

My eyes are never fixed on the promise--but rather on the promiser. But that doesn't take away the discomfort of God-breathed dreams and desires unfulfilled.

So to all of you who have donated to and are praying for this journey that we are on--thank you. Every time I get a fundraiser update I can't help but feel that the promise is that much closer. Each penny, each dollar..it all marks progress towards a dream that the Lord undeniably placed on our hearts.

So much love,
Jordan

{If you missed it, our adoption funding page can be found and shared here.}






Mercy.

TODAY IS THE DAY...that I had a crappy day.

Meh. I'm at Starbucks where I meant to actually order a fancy drink but in reality I got nervous at the counter and ordered a decaf Americano. Which is delish, but I just felt like I needed something to lift the spirits a bit. Just kidding, only Jesus can do that which is WHY I'm actually just here killing time till I go to a 6pm church service at a random church that we don't go to because why not?

My coffee heard me say that and decided to spill all over my white scarf. Whatevs, didn't need you anyway.

I keep waiting for someone to message me and tell me to not go to so many churches. No one has yet. I'm glad. If you do, my response will be that church is a building and we are actually the church so I can do what I want and I just so happen to want to not be so politically correct all the time (frequently, I write posts and then delete them for fear of not being PC. Today I'm feeling feisty because I had a bad day and NOFILTER.) We DO have a home church. We love that place.

Yesterday started the crap-train that has been my weekend in that I woke up SEVERELY missing Ellie. It just happens, ya know. I can go weeks thinking nothing but joy when I think of her and other times shoot me in the face it hurts so bad. I have dreams about her in which the hospital experience just replays...its not even a dream it's just a complete moment for moment documentary of what actually happened and chris was there and sarah was there and there we were bathing her and talking to her and hugging her and wishing she were earthly alive and not eternity alive (her end of the deal= still better.)

When Chris realized I was ellie-sad he held me and I cried and he told me that when he woke up he felt like he had been talking to her. So these things usually happen on the same nights for us.

I got over it and chose, once again, to actually get up from bed and to continue breathing and then this morning at church every baby cry/giggle/sound made me ache from the deepest pit in my stomach.

"Heavenly rewards?" is what I repeat to myself in these moments, emphasis on the question mark. Because sometimes it feels SO not worth it to continue this fight..it seems so much easier, in my head, to give up. To stay in bed. To lay with her box of things that smell like her instead of waiting at Starbucks to worship the God who knew this would happen all along.

I, very fortunately, know enough to know that waiting on God is actually the only solution. Waiting on more healing, more restoration, more promises, more faithfulness. He's a merciful one, that is for sure. And a way better choice than pounding on the floor and not showering for the rest of ever.

So excuse me while I go angry-pray only to be met by intense non-angry-love.

Missing the freaking HECK out of you, Elliebear.

Expectations

Chris and I went to see a counselor yesterday who is a "community favorite" around here. It's a husband and a wife who are christian counselors and we were able to have a session with the husband. We wanted to go and talk about Ellie since Chris is finally finishing up school and is finally getting time to process the craziness of this past year, and I've been wanting to go for a while. I've told this to a few people, but in the midst of tragedy it's hard to see if you're making progress at all. People tell you they think you are, but it's so fuzzy and confusing to see yourself. People see you as you begin resurfacing in society with friends and at church, but not many see the hours of crying and the crippling memories the way you do. I was seeking validation and also an objective (and professional) perspective, but mostly we want to deal with things the right way for our family.

It was amazing.

This man was so kind and gentle and soft spoken, but he spoke truth straight into my spirit..and the sames goes for Chris. I didn't quite know how that was going to happen for both of us going into it, as we are in two different places in the grieving process, but everything he said fit seamlessly into both of our perspectives and met us where we are..at the same time.

One little (big) thing I want to pass along from our time was a question he asked us in regards to having experienced such tragedy so early on in our marriage, and it was this:

What does God expect of you?
And also: what do you expect of God?

We discussed it as it relates to Ellie, but in the end, he gave us a book that he and his wife wrote. In it includes a list of what we are to expect based on scripture.....and man, totally put me right back where I need to be in navigating all of this.

See, it's easy to believe the lie of entitlement after any hard trial. I genuinely felt "entitled" to be blessed with multiple children after this, and "entitled" to live a life free of intense hardship from now on. "I earned it." Don't get me wrong, these thoughts of mine weren't floating around on the surface. If anyone asked me if I felt this way I would have known that the "correct" answer is no. But subconsiously...very deep down...they were there.

But those hidden beliefs were a lie.
They are a lie that sets you up for failure.
A lie that sets you up to immediately distrust the Father the second another hardship comes your way.

....

So what am I to expect? [emphasis my own]
- I do not expect my flesh to improve with age (Ps 73:26)
- I expect my flesh to do what it has always done and think as it has always thought (Romans 7:18, Gal 5:17)
- I do not expect God to indulge my fleshly nature (Heb 12:6)
- I expect God to free me from being controlled by my fleshly nature (Rom 8:2, Gal 5:16)
-I expect to increasingly find my identity in the spiritual nature (Rom 8:9-13, Gal 5:16)
-I expect God to continue to expose my fears through situations of helplessness and to displace my fears with trust in Him (James 1:2-4, 1 Peter 4:12-13)
-I expect Him to teach me the fear of the Lord (Ps 34:11)
-I do not expect to grow stronger, for I must decrease and He must increase (John 3:30)
-I do expect him to perfect his strength in my weakness (2 Cor 12:9, Is 40:29-31, 2 Cor 4:7-5:9)
-I do not expect less conflict or fewer trials (2 Tim 2:3, 3:12)
-I do expect sufficient grace for every conflict and every trial (2 Cor 12:9, 2 Tim 3:10-11)
-I expect God to remove the fear of suffering so that I am no longer intimidated by the threats of the enemy (Is 41:10)
-I do not expect a map of God's plan for my life (Ps 37:23, Prov 16:9, Jer 10:23)
-I do expect God to be my constant guide and provide a light for my path (Prob 3:5-6, Psalm 119:105)
-I expect God to remove obstructions from my mind and heart that interfere with knowing him intimately (2 Cor 10:4-5)
-I do not expect my spouse or others to meet my needs (Ps 62:5)
-I do expect God to fill my life and meet my needs (Ecc 5:20, Matt 6:33)
-I do not expect myself to meet the needs of my spouse and others I love (John 15:5, Jer 17:5-8)
-I expect Jesus to meet all the needs of those I love as I offer myself to be an available vessel of His provision (Phil 4:13, Col 3:8-17)
-I expect to delight myself in the Lord (Ps 37:4)
-I expect Him to give me the desires of my heart in His timing and on His terms, for they are always best (Ps 37:4-11)
-I do not expect a "normal" life (Ps 139:1-24, Isaiah 54:1-17, 1 Corin 2:9)
-I do expect a supernatural life that cannot be explained in human terms (Ps 139:1-24, Isaiah 54:1-17, 1 Corin 2:9)
-I expect him to protect my heart (Phil 4:7)
-I expect His courage in my cowardice, His presence in my loneliness, His comfort in my grief, His forgiveness in my resentment, His fatih in my doubt, His love in my indiference, His joy in my anxiety, His hope in my despair (Col 2;10, 1 Cor 2:3-5, 2 Cor 12:9, Ps 73:26, Gal 5:22-23)
-I do not expect appreciation from those to whom I minister (Matt 6:2, Romans 2:29)
-I do expect and long to hear his voice one day saying "well done, my good and faithful servant (Matt 25:23)
-I expect Him to glorify (reveal) himself in me (rom 8:29, 1 Cor 3:16, 1 Cor 1:26-31, 2 Cor 4:7)
-I expect to be continually surprised by God (1 Cor 2:9-12)
-I expect, when His purpose for me is fulfilled, to awaken in His presence and there to behold His face, feel His embrace, and enjoy Him forever (Rev 22:4, Ps 73:23-24, 1 Cor 15:51-57, 1 Thess 4:15-18)
[from 18 inches, by J. Ray Addison, PhD, and Susan Addison, PhD, available here.]

....

Dr. Ray lingered on the subject of the decision making process in the face of hard circumstances; will we choose to continue living solely for the Kingdom and expect only what scripture says? Or will we retreat to lukewarm faith for fear of trusting Him?

Yes. So worthwhile. Kingdom truth flowed from his whole being for the whole hour and a half..to the point that I began silently pouring tears because my eyes couldn't contain it anymore. They were tears of comfort, not of conviction. I totally recommend this book, and even better, them...if you're in the area.



The Stunning Reality of Marriage

Before I was married, I envisioned the romance of all that it could be, and although I felt as if my expectations were relatively on target (mostly thanks to the transparency of my parents)--there were still things that I entertained in my mind that were straight-up stupid (mostly thanks to media). It's amazing now that the romantic endeavors are the least of my concern, not that my husband isn't romantic, but because of the amazingly mundane and selfless ways that he is.

I remember having my wedding before Pinterest, and other such sites, were really a thing (gasp) (wasn't that long ago) and then all of the sudden finding myself envious of all the new and trendy things to do at your wedding and take pictures of so that the world can see. You guys, I had sincere jealousy that we didn't hold hands around the corner of a door for a sweet picture and that we didn't exchange gifts for the record. And then I remembered how desperately I just wanted to marry that man and start our life together.

But this isn't a post about trendy wedding fads. It's a post about how none of that stuff matters anyway. What matters is that I had no idea that I was marrying someone who would eventually have to lower me onto the toilet and hold me there after a devastating c-section day after day until I had the strength to do it myself. I didn't know I was marrying someone who would drop everything he's doing to just hold me while I cry. for. hours. I didn't know I was marrying someone who would be strong enough to bathe and dress and talk to and cry over our sweet baby after she had already left to be with Jesus. I didn't know I was marrying someone who had the courage to stroke my hair and ramble on about who knows what to distract me from the whirlwind of an operating room. I didn't know I was marrying someone who had the strength to carry his sweet daughter's coffin to her grave and place her gently inside.............because I surely couldn't do it. I didn't know I was marrying someone who actually thinks and acts as if my needs are greater than his own.

So what I'm saying is who the hell cares about the romantic notes that are supposed to be left around the house and the continual filling of a special flower vase and the surprise dates and the compliments.

It is only because of the occurrence of an intense tragedy that I got to see who it is that I really married. I know the depth and power of re-reciting marriage vows after walking through hell together and knowing from experience that we meant what we said. (Something I highly recommend, by the way.) I know the joy of realizing that our wedding day was just the jumping off point, not the pinnacle. And he is worth far more than words could ever describe.

..........

“The husband is the head of the wife just in so far as he is to her what Christ is to the Church - read on - and give his life for her (Eph. V, 25). This headship, then, is most fully embodied not in the husband we should all wish to be but in him whose marriage is most like a crucifixion; whose wife receives most and gives least, is most unworthy of him, is - in her own mere nature - lease lovable. For the Church has not beauty but what the Bride-groom gives her; he does not find, but makes her, lovely. The chrism of this terrible coronation is to be seen not in the joys of any man's marriage but in its sorrows, in the sickness and sufferings of a good wife or the faults of a bad one, in his unwearying (never paraded) care or his inexhaustible forgiveness: forgiveness, not acquiescence. As Christ sees in the flawed, proud, fanatical or lukewarm Church on earth that Bride who will one day be without spot or wrinkle, and labours to produce the latter, so the husband whose headship is Christ-like (and he is allowed no other sort) never despairs.” 
 C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves







Ellie's Birth Story

There are really no words to do any of this situation justice. No words to describe how much we miss Ellie. No words to describe the difficulty of holding our Ellie as her heart stopped beating. I didn't want to wait too long to post simply because I don't want to forget any details, and I also want to honor those of you that have spent the past months (almost a half a year, actually) praying for our sweet girl and family.

I know I've said this before, but it truly does feel like we've walked through this as a large family--we have cried with so many friends and at times it felt like we were burdening the lives of nearly everyone around us with constant crappy news........but man, what a picture of community the way God intended for it to be. I could (and I'm sure I will) talk more about that in the future...there's just so much.

I woke up on Tuesday, the 18th, feeling sorta weird. I'm sure a lot of it was normal 38 week pregnancy weird, because I don't think there's such a thing as feeling physically "normal" at 38 weeks pregnant. So that aside, I started to leak a bit of my water, but it wasn't gushing out or anything..and I was losing a bit of my plug (for you squeamish people, this is as bad as it gets for this post.)

We decided to call our doctor just to talk with him and let him know what my body was doing. He happened to be out of town in NC, but he talked with us for a while and Chris began asking him one more time about what we should do (regarding our birth plan) as we had previously been throwing around the idea of the c-section "just in case" Ellie would survive. We knew the prognosis was poor, but we began to weigh the pros and cons........and as a mother I began to question whether or not my strong opposition to c-section was due to fear and the desire to better "control" future pregnancies (i.e. how a c-section might affect future deliveries, scarring, etc.)

I don't think there was a strong right or wrong decision here. We just wanted to be at peace either way. We really wanted a natural delivery, but we also wanted to set ourselves up for the most guilt-free scenario. I began feeling that if we had a natural delivery and she didn't make it..that I would have wondered if a c-section could have made a difference. Some of this was spiritual attack, and some of it was just longing to make a decision that would be conducive to healing and peace of mind and heart. The doctor spoke gently and very personally with us, stating that if we were his children..he would encourage the c-section just due to the state of her body and the potential stress of labor (on her) if we waited. He told us that he wanted us to make the decision and to feel good about it, but that if we wanted to go the c-section route we would really need to go in that day (due to labor possibly coming soon and just to optimize her chance of survival.)

We got off the phone, talked about it, and felt very much at peace (yet terrified) with the decision to go ahead and go in. We called him back and told him and then he set everything up for us via telephone to the hospital. I had already eaten lunch, so we had to schedule for more than 6 hours from the time I had eaten, which put us at about 8:30 for scheduling purposes. We packed up a little bit and did random stuff till it was time to leave...and it was sort of surreal from that point on.

Our lovely (understatement) friend, Sarah, came with us..as she was originally going to be coming with us to the birthing center from way back before we knew that Ellie had some health issues. When all of that unfolded, we felt that we still really needed her.......maybe even now more than before--just to be a rock and a prayer warrior and a super peaceful presence (if you know her...you know what I mean.) She headed over and we headed to the hospital.

As we got closer, a brilliant rainbow appeared (no joke) and we literally drove into it for the last..maybe 20 minutes of the trip. My mom texted Chris a picture of it from where she was (also driving to the hospital) and then Sarah called to ask us if we saw it..........I'm kind of glad both of these things happened so that we have proof, because Chris and I were in awe of how bright it was. Chris and I didn't talk about it before hand because we were both pretty nervous and contemplative in the car......but we both felt like we just kind of knew what was about to happen. And we both felt like God was just telling us, "Hey. I'm here. We're here with you." My words aren't doing this justice, but it was awesome.

We got in to the hospital and the poking and prodding began (as to be expected) and this was all kind of a blur. The neonatalogist came in and we had to confirm what we wanted post birth, as the plan was originally less intervention oriented. We still didn't change our minds about life support or any of that jazz, but we did want her to be assessed for survival chances in case things looked different outside of the womb..but we knew were just going to have to wait and see. I don't know how many people were lifting us up in prayer at this point...but I know it had to have been a lot, because we felt so. much. peace. As they wheeled me out of the room into the O.R. (urg, without my husband), I literally just felt the presence of way more than just two people (who were pushing me) surrounding my bed. I felt just swarmed, literally swarmed, with heavenly presences.....I didn't have Chris with me yet, but I felt so calm that I even cracked a joke with the anesthesiologist and he was all like, "Oh, gracious," and shaking his head while laughing at me. At that point, I was pretty sure Ellie was not going to be making it. I just felt like God was there waiting (not grim reaper style......but beautiful Father style ready to wrap her up) and I was devastated but also peaceful.

They numbed me, Chris got back there, and I spent the next 25 minutes or so staring into Chris' eyes while they did the surgery....and literally his eyes kept me so grounded. I told him to "talk to me about good things," so he rambled on about Hawaii (which I later found out was all he could come up with at the time) and I didn't even hear anything he said but his voice and his eyes were just the most gorgeous and soothing things ever. I heard the doctor say, "She's out" but I couldn't see her yet, and I knew the NICU team was working on her. Chris stood up and looked to the corner of the room where she was while they stitched me up and I knew she was alive then but I knew she wouldn't be alive long...I just knew.

They told us that they were keeping her heart going by using epinephrine and trying to get some tubes down for breathing, but were having trouble due to her tiny body and some malformations. I definitely knew at that point.

After about 20 to 30 minutes of working on her, the doctor told us that it wasn't looking good, and so we told them we just wanted to hold her. So they brought her to us and I got to hold her skin to skin while she left to be with Jesus...I don't know how long it was that she was alive on me...she looked so peaceful the whole time--but the staff gave us some time before they came over to verify that her heart had stopped beating. She was just so beautiful and had the best little cheeks to kiss. We just wept and kissed her and told her how much fun she was already having in heaven...and Chris just told her a million times how sweet she was. There are no words.........

There are no words for how hard this was (and is), and I can't even go into more detail because the memory is too precious. Literally, I am alive right now because the Father is sustaining me......because if pure heartache could kill me--this would have. Our sweet, sweet baby. He is continuing to breathe breath into our lungs and hold our hearts.

They told us we could keep her for as long as we wanted, which I never thought I would have wanted to do before all of this happened..but after seeing her I knew we needed to hold her and love her for a while. So we kept her for a good five hours or so..just staring at her and kissing her and smelling her. Sarah helped Chris bathe her since I couldn't really move from bed--and I was so content just watching her over there...I was being so loved on by the Father and it was so surreal. Don't get me wrong, the whole thing was devastating and indescribably painful, but I think it was as peaceful as it could have been, considering the circumstances. We held her and had our families come in to see us and see her before we held her a little longer and then let the staff take her. We felt a lot of closure saying goodbye to her physically...we felt devastated and heartbroken, but it just felt like it was time to give her up.

There is more I could say about right now, but we're just still in this place of intense heartache and also peace, all mashed into one. There is incredible pain. Incredible. And there is a lot of weeping in bed with my sweet husband. But also overwhelming moments of comfort and beautiful impressions of heaven where she is MUCH better off than we are....laughing and joyful all of the time. Heaven is looking so much sweeter these days, even better than before.

I've talked about this before, but my own parents know exactly what it's like to lose a child--as they lost their first daughter. My dad told me a couple days after that there literally is nothing worse--and I really hope that that is true. It makes sense as God literally did this willingly for us which I can't even comprehend--but clearly God knows the weight of the pain and the heartache. I can honestly say already that I'm terrified to get pregnant again in the future--and I'm working on that fear with Him..but we know it's just going to take time.

We are fully prepared and waiting in expectation for full healing from the Father...we are also fully prepared and waiting in expectation for God to use this for good......because we are declaring that there will be no more joy or hope robbed from our family. We are anxiously anticipating full and complete healing for our hearts--but missing Ellie every single second. Our beautiful friend took the sweetest pictures of Ellie, but I'm not ready to post all of them yet..so I'll just do one for now. Please continue to keep our family in your prayers as we move forward--once again, I cannot express enough gratitude for all of the prayers and love.








Ellie 5/7/13

We have the most lovely midwife. We are just so sad that we probably won't be able to deliver with her anymore because we're high risk--but we're still meeting with her and I am so happy that we are. Seeing her was such a necessary break from the high-risk-hospital-pregnancy-world.

We got a little freaked out because we hadn't felt Ellie move in a while.........a good while. Don't worry or be offended if you normally get Ellie updates and didn't know about this, we didn't announce it because we didn't want to scare anybody and we were out of town celebrating our anniversary (of course.) So we called our midwife and ended up meeting her at the birthing center once we got back home and we heard the little nuggets heartbeat and all is well. The midwife said that sometimes babies can go into small little cycles of being not as active and it's perfectly normal....but understandably frightening--especially in our situation.

She talked with us until 9pm and offered to let me take a doppler home so I could listen to her whenever I got scared (I declined because that's all I'd do) but she just encouraged us so deeply. Ellie's heart rate was wonderful and my belly is actually measuring just slightly below normal, which is so encouraging. Anyways--apparently when we called Amy to tell her we hadn't felt Ellie, she stopped and prayed with the people she was with (on a precious Sunday night that we stole from her schedule and of course she didn't even care.)

Anyways, she listened for a good while to her heart, felt for her position, and kept her hand on my belly until she felt her kick the palm of her hand. It was so sweet. And today Ellie is just back to her normal wiggly self which I just love. Such wonderful and constant reminders of her existence and of how far she's already gone past the physicians' expectations. Keep on, Ellie!

In other news: we had a BLAST at the aquarium because lets just be real; few things are more awesome than staring at huge whale sharks and beluga whales and dolphins and bright jellyfish and pondering how creative God is...and there is something so peaceful about sea creatures. The way they move...water...the quiet...it's just amazing. We ate a fancy shmancy dinner at this amazing restaurant called Alma Cocina in Atlanta (and we got a free dessert of fancy gourmet style churros when they found out why we were in town.) Andddd we stayed at a super nice hotel (thanks Mom and Dad!) and it was just so relaxing.














Keeping up with Ellie

If you're visiting this site because you've heard about Ellie or heard that we need prayer, you can track what's going on with her by visiting the following post links (from oldest to newest..mostly.) Ellie is our first child who we are currently pregnant with. She is having some major complications and we have been told that she likely will not survive. We decided to keep people updated using our blog as we know and believe in the power of prayer and intercession. God is good. He is carrying us through this.

We absolutely are so grateful for all of the support and we DO desperately need your prayers.

A brief introduction and why we are posting about Ellie

Medical update from 4/7

Adventures in praying for Ellie

Medical update from 4/30

On endurance (in relation to Ellie)

Medical update from 5/21 *Latest update!


Next appointment: Tuesday, June 4th (36 weeks)
My official due date is on 7/1

If you don't have time to read all of the posts above, here is how you can be praying:
-That Ellie lives.
-That her health is restored and that she is healed
-That she will grow substantially in order to have a chance at survival outside the womb
-Peace over our family
-That God would be glorified.

“Have faith in God. Truly, I say to you, whoever says to this mountain, ‘Be taken up and thrown into the sea,’ and does not doubt in his heart, but believes that what he says will come to pass, it will be done for him. Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.